Life is short, keep it simple

If you miss them, should you tell them?

By Jessica Militello

The other day on social media, I saw one of those posts that say something to the effect of “life is short, keep it simple,” followed by a list of things like, “if you miss them, tell them, if you want to talk to them, call them,” etc . And of course, it is the way of social media to prod and poke holes into literally everything a person writes, some of it justified, some of it not. I obviously don’t 100% know the thought or intention behind the original author’s post, but at its core, when it comes to being vulnerable and sharing your feelings, the concept of telling someone you miss them or asking to spend time with them is beautiful. When it comes to healthy, reciprocal relationships in your life, yes this is a great idea. Unfortunately posts like this also fall in front of the eyes of people who are hurting from a loss, struggling to accept what is despite their feelings, and use quotes like this one as a justification to reach out to someone who, deep down they know they shouldn’t but do so because, hey, like the post says, “life is short.”

What I don’t love about this post is the idea it expresses of “keeping it simple” by acting on your emotions just because you feel that way, when feelings are often much more complicated. This is why months after a breakup we wonder, “if they were bad for me, why do I still miss them?” or “they treated me like crap, but I still love them,” and wonder how that could be. The thing is, feelings don’t necessarily reflect reality of the situation, and we end up feeling pathetic, confused, or shame in cases where we still miss and want to talk to someone who we know we are better off staying away from.

Having a feeling about something and reaching out, in many cases, is actually not “keeping it simple.” Sometimes it’s ignoring reality, trying again and again with the same person who already showed us who they are, and not accepting the situation as it is, instead acting based on how we wished it would be. We ignore what is and focus our attention and time in the sunk cost of trying to love someone into magically transforming into the potential of what we see and completely abandon ourselves in the hope that if they keep seeing that we miss them and care for them, then maybe they’ll finally be ready, be the person we need them to be, and we will finally be loved, all while abandoning and not loving ourselves.

In these cases, the fact that life is short is precisely why you should not tell them you miss them or tell them anything. Sometimes keeping it simple means accepting that you miss them and also accepting that it is best to keep them in your past. Sometimes you are actually making it very complicated when you insist on staying in contact with a person that you have already learned staying near is not best for your well-being and peace of mind.

Next time you are struggling and see a post like this, it’s okay to miss someone, but telling someone will not change the circumstance, make them ready, or be able to meet you where you are, and if telling them you miss them is going to cause you to go backwards in your ability to heal and move on, then remember-life is short, keep it simple.

Working out is not your therapy

You still need to do the work

By Jessica Militello

Working out in its many forms has tons of benefits; it boosts your mood, it keeps you in shape, and it keeps your body healthy. Getting moving is a great way to help you cope with anxiety and depression, and it certainly helps to get your mind off of what ever may be troubling you, especially if the workout is intense and fun. It gives you an outlet to relieve stress and so I can see why people believe working out is their therapy.

There’s a saying that the head instructor at my martial arts school likes to say, “come in, train, leave your problems at the door-when you head out, they’ll still be there waiting for you.” And what he has always meant by that is to come to class, have a good time and focus, and enjoy being in the moment so you can train and better yourself.

But the saying actually means a little more in a way he may not have intended. If you work out to forget your problems, then just like my instructor says, they’ll still be waiting at the door for you. Working out is an outlet, and its mental health benefits are proven-but working out is not a substitute for doing the inner work and emotional regulation.

Working out and avoiding the inner work is like having a leaking roof and thinking that because you have a bucket to put under the leak for the water to drip into, that you have everything solved. It may seem like a fix, but it’s a temporary fix.

You can avoid it and pretend you have a solution for as long as you want, but eventually you will need to hire someone to look at your roof and fix what is causing the leak in the first place.

And what always happens when you hire someone to fix a “small” leak or some home repair? The professional looks into it, and not only do you need a whole new roof, but there’s squirrels living in the attic, and there’s a wall that needs to be fixed, too. And after you get a price quote then you wish you never looked into it and just kept the damn bucket for when it rains. What was so bad about a little bucket here and there? You knew there was a problem, but you pretended there wasn’t and you didn’t have to deal with it. But- after you sort through it all, get the repairs, set up a payment plan, and enjoy a nice, safe, home with no leaky roof or pesky squirrels, then you realize it was all worth it.

This is literally what its like to do the inner work, with a therapist, or reading books, learning your patterns, triggers, behaviors, and emotionally regulate. It is hard work, it isn’t always fun- healing is a lifelong journey, and just when you think you’ve reached a mountaintop in your self-journey, you realize it was just a resting spot and get another hurdle to navigate.

Working out is not therapy-punching bags don’t teach you why you got triggered by an off-hand comment someone made, the elliptical won’t help you to learn why you sabotage relationships and push people away, and the weights won’t help you to realize that you internalized the emotional neglect growing up and that’s why you people-please, can’t ask for what you want, say yes to things you hate, or get into codependent relationships. Avoiding this is just putting the bucket under the leak-it works in the meantime, it seems easier, but eventually you have to face what’s really causing your inner turmoil.

What do you think? Are you ready to put away that rusty bucket and really do the work to find yourself and your own peace? What are some books that have helped you? What kind of therapy are you trying or have completed? Leave your thoughts below.

“Noticing the ups and downs”

How meditation taught me to find peace instead of searching for happiness

By Jessica Militello

Every morning as soon as I wake up I open up my Lumosity Mind app and meditate for 10 minutes. The app has tons of guided meditations and there is one that I revisit called “noticing the ups and downs.”

As humans, our brains are always thinking- part of the art of meditation is not necessarily to have complete calm and silence in your thoughts, but simply noticing yourself getting distracted by a thought or feeling. That in itself is training your mind to notice when it is getting caught up with things that aren’t necessarily important in the moment, or if you are revisiting a situation from the past that is over and done with, or rehearsing for something in the future that hasn’t and may not even happen.

You don’t have to follow every thought that pops up; and you also don’t necessarily have to do anything about what thoughts or feelings are coming up. One of the best things I’ve learned is the delicate art of noticing feelings or thoughts that arise without shame or judgement, simply letting it come and pass. It is normally when we judge ourselves for what we are feeling that we add to it and let it linger. This is how a bad mood can turn into a bad day. Pushing your feelings down only saves them for later and trying to constantly be busy or distracted so that feelings won’t come up will only work for so long; this is still just storing it for another day and time. There are certain feelings that are always harder to digest-loneliness, sadness, anger, anxiety, and grief always seem to carry the most shame. But it has been when I softened my approach toward my feelings and had compassion for what I feel instead of judgement that they come and go more easily. It has also made me learn to appreciate happiness, because like all feelings, they come and go. The search for happiness will always come up short because happiness is a feeling. I am learning that it is better to find peace; peace that when sadness or grief comes to visit that it will go, and peace to enjoy happiness in the moment knowing that it also will come and go. Learning to flow with my emotions is one of the most important lessons that meditation has taught me.

If you don’t meditate or gave up on it because you found yourself still having tons of thoughts and getting distracted, it’s worth it to give it another shot. Trying something new is like trying a new sport or hobby that you’ve never done before. Everything takes time and after a while of being consistent with it, you will definitely notice improvement.

Is there a meditation app you like to use? Is there any music or a place in nature that you seek when you meditate? Leave your comments below-